


Intertwined

by rickbisexualgrimes



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Afterlife, Death, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Healing, M/M, Slow Burn, Starting Over, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2019-06-09 13:10:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15268194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickbisexualgrimes/pseuds/rickbisexualgrimes
Summary: Instead of both of them surviving, Rick and Negan kill each other during their final fight. When they move onto the afterlife they come to understand why they're there with each other.





	1. No Choice in the Matter

**Author's Note:**

> one habit of mine has been to begin writing a fic despite having other shit to work on. i just really couldn't help myself & this idea wouldn't let up whatsoever. i really want to write the healing that neither of them will ever get. so please keep in mind this will be heavy & really intense (like what i usually write) !
> 
>  
> 
> please leave comments here & or in my inbox @ rickbisexualgrimes.

Laying there dying right beside Negan almost felt like the right end to his life. Rick had originally wanted to spare Negan's life, but when that knife right through his stomach it's like the universe had other plans. As Negan gave some brief speech on how it was always going to end like that, Rick somehow slit Negan's throat.

 

  
So there he was scooching closer to Negan who was bleeding out a lot faster than him. He never thought he'd ever bring Negan comfort but he clasped Negan's hand. Surprisingly Negan used whatever strength he had to squeeze his offered hand.

 

  
Rick half expected someone to come save the day like maybe Siddiq. The same man who got to live instead of his son. Instead no one was getting to them quick enough and so he welcomed death. His eyes closed which is when he stopped holding onto his wound. As the blood poured out more rapidly Rick felt himself smiling. For the first time since the apocalypse he wasn't scared. He was free.

 

  
A bright white light was the last thing Rick felt himself being pulled towards.

 

  
Then nothing.

 

 

 

 

Rick's eyes opened up, alarmed with the rush of air inside his chest. He gasped and practically fell off from where he was laying down. Which happened to be a table in the morgue. An actual hospital that wasn't run down or swarming with walkers. Everything looked normal like hospitals from before and it felt like some sick joke. Only it couldn't be a joke because he was nowhere near a hospital when he died.

 

  
Maybe Siddiq got to them in time and somehow got him to the Hilltop in time to save him. Rick could possibly be dreaming like some sort of vivid dream that seems real when it's not. He pinched his skin a couple of times as if that would wake him up. Only not a damn thing happened.

 

  
His body wasn't covered by anything, in fact he was completely naked and there were lines on his skin. Rick didn't let himself panic and moved one leg over the side then the other. All of a sudden he heard voices coming from the other side of the door. One very familiar voice that made him squint his eyes. Soon Siddiq and a smaller woman were walking through the door. They didn't even see him right away because they were busy talking.

 

  
This Siddiq was timid in the other world but with this woman he seemed more crass.

 

  
"I'm sorry but I refuse to watch that movie. The representation is good I hear but the bestiality is a big no for me." Siddiq glanced between his chart and the woman.

 

  
"You have to give it a try." The dark haired woman pleaded. "C'mon."

 

  
Rick moved an inch which caused a creaking noise and that's when both Siddiq as well as the woman looked. They both dropped what they were holding and Siddiq looked like he would faint. No words were exchanged until Rick got off the examine table. He knew they were getting a full view of everything but he didn't care. Rick had no idea where his clothes were so he stood there.

 

  
"I suppose my clothes have been cut up already. I'll need someone to get me at least a hospital gown..I gotta get outta here." Rick knew how insane that sounded because they thought he was dead. Only thing was he didn't really care due to his own confusion about where he was exactly. From what he remembered he likely died right beside Negan in that field.  So where was he now? Was it some strange after life? Rick had no idea.

 

  
When neither of them answered he just sighed like they were being unreasonable. He turned around to search the room then he heard Siddiq whispering. Either one of them was going to call security or handle it themselves. He could take them both without question so he wasn't worried.

 

  
Rick glanced over his shoulder to see the woman slowly walking towards him. "I'm leavin' here one way or another."

 

  
"The fact that you're breathing right now is bizarre. Someone had stabbed you and somehow you had the strength to call 911. Late last night you were rushed to the hospital and you made it out of surgery but something went wrong. You died today, we tried calling your son but his phone went to voicemail.   We can't let you leave here."

 

 

  
"Who stabbed me? Was the man named Negan?" Rick growled at the woman who seemed alarmed even more so.

 

 

  
"Um..no..actually it wasn't."

 

 

  
"Where the hell am I?"

 

  
Siddiq responded for the woman instead, "You're in Virginia at Inova Alexandria Hospital. I know that your loved ones will probably want to know that you're well..alive."

 

  
"My loved ones? Who? Michonne? Judith? Maggie?" Rick didn't have the energy to list off everyone.

 

 

  
"I can't remember names but I do know you have quite a few loved ones. A handful of people rushed to the hospital and were in the waiting room while you were in surgery. Would you like me to call anyone specific? There's a few numbers on your file."

 

 

  
"Yeah. Call Michonne."

 

* * *

 

In the fucking end Negan did get killed by Rick but at least he took him down too. They always did have to try to one up each other whether it was pathetic attempts or not. Just like that time Rick tried to use Lucille against him. Rick almost killed them both and he didn't give two shits. As long as he got the upper hand by offing him during that stupid fucking war.

 

 

Somehow Negan deep down had wanted them to make peace with each other. He meant it when he offered him a chance to move to the Sanctuary. Then if Rick had taken him up on the offer he had plans to give him another offer. Negan wasn't blind and damn sure thought Rick was a fine piece of ass. So asking him to be his first ever husband wouldn't have been a shock. Only shit didn't go down like that and he finally kicked the bucket.

 

  
Negan could hear noises and everything was blurry. Whatever was going on started to become more apparent when he heard the word "clear!"

 

  
He felt his body jolt up and there was a surge of some force. It happened two more times then the third time he opened his eyes to find doctors around him. What the ever fucking fuck? That was all Negan could think right then and there.

 

  
Negan sat upwards despite the extreme shock on all their faces. "What the fuck is everyone looking at? I wasn't dead was I?"

 

  
"Your heart stopped." A soft faced blonde responded. "We thought for a moment we lost you."

 

  
"Where in the fucking fuck am I? Tell me! Are there any walkers?" Negan needed to make sure this wasn't some sick fucking dream. His eyes searched around the room and he saw Eugene standing there. That goddamn traitor.

 

  
"Uh. As in walkers for people? Or people who walk?" Eugene asked with a tremble in his voice.

 

  
"No. As in fucking zombies, as in undead fucks who want to eat your insides and face off. You mean to tell me that the world is still standing? There was no apocalypse?"

 

  
"You've been through a traumatic experience so it's understandable that you're confused. But to answer your questions, no..the world is still standing. Unfortunately Trump is still president and no zombies are runnin' around." The younger looking blonde with the soft face told him. "I think we need to run a few tests just to make sure everythin' checks out. Do you have anyone we can call? Your ex wife is still listed on your file."

 

  
"M-my ex wife?" Lucille?"

 

  
"Yes."

 

  
"Please call her..please," Negan practically sobbed. "I need to see her."

 

* * *

 

 

Almost everyone that Rick desperately needed to see arrived at the hospital. Including Carl who let out a sob when he saw him and rushed towards him. They embraced and Rick didn't want to let him go. But he had to so he could hug everyone else that came.

 

Michonne didn't touch him the same which threw him off. Until he saw Michonne call Andrea over. He never thought he'd see her again because in his world she was dead. Maggie had her baby in her arms and Glenn was standing beside her, alongside Abraham and Sasha. Daryl was holding hands with Jesus which made his eyebrows perk up. Rosita and Tara were doing so as well.

 

 

He was assured that Carol was on her way with Ezekiel. But the only person missing was Judy and when he asked about her everyone went quiet. Something about that didn't sit right with him.

 

 

Rick turned to Carl who just shook his head like he was supposed to know something. No one seemed comfortable enough to answer his question. That made him more worried about it.

 

 

"Dad, you already know about Judith," Carl finally responded with a sort of exhaustion in his voice. "It's been two years now."

 

 

  
"What are you sayin' right now? Where's your sister? Where is she?" Rick closed his eyes momentarily then opened them again.

 

 

  
"She's..she's dead, dad. You don't remember what happened? She died not long after mom gave birth to her..there were complications."

 

  
How could it be that Judith survived through so many events in the apocalypse but died in this one? Was Lori dead as well? Was Shane dead? Rick didn't know how to react whatsoever. He just blinked back his tears and just nodded along so Carl wouldn't worry about him. This Carl was still his son as far as he could tell. And worrying him was something he always attempted to avoid.

 

  
Everyone went back to reacting shocked but relieved that he was alive. Although Daryl was the first to remind that he was legally declared dead. Explaining why he woke up in the morgue was damn near impossible. So all he could offer was that he really didn't know what happened. He asked them all about Negan and Carl groaned dramatically. Apparently Negan used to be his gym teacher that was a complete asshole. Sounded just like the Negan he knew.

 

  
Rick assured everyone that he'd be okay but needed to go to the rest room. Alone. He left the waiting room to go find the nearest rest room. There were some people he recognized from the apocalypse. He saw Beth talking to someone and his heart stopped because of the last time he saw her. Just when he thought he could peacefully walk over to her, he didn't. Instead he noticed someone that looked familiar walking out of a room. Rick twitched upon realizing it was Negan. Why would Carl's old gym teacher be there the same day he was? Unless...

 

  
When Negan noticed him back it wasn't like looking at someone you didn't know. Rick stormed over there and put his hand where his gun would normally rest. It felt weird to not have to be on high alert. When he got close enough he gripped aggressively to Negan's shirt then led him to the wall. Some people were watching them with scared looks on their faces.

 

  
"Why the hell are you here?" Rick sneered with furrowed eyebrows. "I woulda thought you'd end up somewhere else."

 

  
"So it is you. I thought you were some alternate version Rick or some shit. How fucking unlucky am I. Since I'm here with you I guess it is my own fire and brimstone." Negan flashed his pearly white teeth.

 

  
"I don't know where we are but almost everyone we knew seems to be here. Carl's alive..if it even is him."

 

  
"Carl's alive?"

 

  
The way Negan had responded to Carl's death the first time said that he cared. So it wasn't that Rick didn't believe him because unfortunately he did. But just seeing Negan care about anything still put him off. Rick kept eye contact with Negan, "Yeah, he's alive. And I need you to stay as far away from me as possible."

 

 

"Oh? So you're the goddamn afterlife police now?"

 

  
"I'm tellin' you what has to happen."

 

  
"Sorry sheriff, I don't fucking think I'm gonna do that shit. In fact that stick up your ass needs to be removed and replaced with something else. Maybe we need to go at it like we woulda eventually. Or was all that eye fuckin' we did back in our world just in my head?"

 

  
If anything was going to be the final straw it was Negan even mentioning that. Rick despised how much he got pulled into Negan, even his own mind, he became obsessed. And it wasn't even just about what Negan had done in the first damn place. The attraction that been simmering for a long time and Rick couldn't say honestly it'd never happen.

 

  
Rick moved away just enough to punch Negan with most of his strength. The other man's response was what he expected and that was a returned punch. He stumbled back at the impact then they went at it. People that were close by were either screaming, running or yelling for someone to call security. Neither of them gave a shit and kept attacking.

 

Eventually Rick got Negan on his back then put his hands around his throat. As Negan choked he realized this wouldn't end how he hoped. When he released Negan took the opportunity to buck him off. Fairness never was either of their styles in terms of fighting each other. Every single time they fought it was just going at it like there was no tomorrow. When Rick ended up falling into a nearby wheel chair he braced himself. Until Negan was up on his feet then kicked at him angrily. Rick fell into the wall and gasped out because of the pain.

 

  
The taller man was soon close by and knelt down in front of him as he coughed. "You fucking lose, again. My dick will always be bigger than yours, Rick. It doesn't matter where we are or what you fucking do." Negan shoved at his face so his head hit the wall again.

 

  
Even without any weapons Rick had every intention of making Negan bleed and limp. They were in a hospital after all so he could seek attention if he needed to. Rick lunged forwards when Negan didn't expect it. The rage coursing through him was animal like and just as he went for Negan's throat, security showed up. One of the security guards pulled him off Negan. He tried to fight it but for now the fighting was over with.

 

  
The other security guard checked on Negan like he was innocent which made Rick glare hard. Everything inside him was settling down but he was still in shit for attacking Negan. Wherever they happened to be didn't see Negan the way he did. To them Negan was just a man that was at the hospital, vice versa. So his attack wouldn't be justified in their eyes. In fact Rick would be entirely at fault since he started it over something so small. He knew how this worked and what was coming next. Unless Negan decided not to press charges.

 

  
For some reason Negan decided against pressing any charges or getting the police seriously involved. He said it was clearly a misunderstanding and that Rick was known to be quite unstable.

 

  
Rick stayed quiet while Negan explained himself then they were both allowed to leave. Despite Rick almost trying to kill him again, Negan followed him back to Carl. The reactions that Negan got from everyone were assorted. They all knew him and Jesus even acted civil like he didn't have a problem with him. One person that seemed to remain unimpressed was Carl.

 

 

"I see the little serial killer has got both his eyes here." Negan teased lightly.

 

 

"Dad..what is he talking about?" Carl scrunched his eyebrows in confusion.

 

 

What could Rick possibly say to that? This Carl would probably write him off as off the wall and Rick wouldn't blame him. So the only response he offered was a shrug as if it was no big deal.  Carl seemed to accept that response and went back to glaring at Negan.

 

 

Some things didn't change even in his afterlife.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Sticking around with some of the people he killed felt..awkward. And the only reason it felt awkward was because everyone seemed to know him. This world was the total opposite of what he'd grown used to. What Negan thought of as his normal was a cold factory, a bunch of wives and people kissing his ass. If these people that were close to Rick were alive, would Simon be? Would all the other people he mutilated, killed or punished be there?

 

Negan told Rick he'd see him later which earned him a death glare. That shit never got old. Someone was able to call Lucille but made sure he knew she was reluctant. He personally didn't give two shits if she hated his guts. All he wanted was to see her and possibly to touch her momentarily.

 

  
The clock ticked in the waiting area he was in until he saw Lucille walking his direction. She didn't seem happy to see him but his heart was pounding hard anyway. How she looked was the way he remembered. Her long dark hair, her curves, the way her eyebrows arched even. The outfit she was wearing definitely screamed Lucille. From the dark wash jeans, leather jacket, boots and purple shirt.

 

  
Negan went to hug her then got rejected right away. Maybe he was really deserving of the cold behavior, even though he didn't actually do anything to this Lucille. Not like he was a peach to her before. "It's a goddamn miracle that I'm even alive right now.." Negan broke the silence, regrettably. "I didn't know who else to fucking call and I'm sorry if this inconvenienced you."

 

  
Lucille barely looked in his direction, "Why didn't you call Frankie? Or Sherry? Or Tanya? Or Amber?"

 

  
"Luci..I don't know what to say. Truth be told I think dying caused some goddamn memory lapse."

 

  
"Well let me remind you...you piece of shit. The issues in our marriage seemed too difficult for you to handle. So you started fucking around on me for months. I didn't wanna believe it at first 'cause I was blinded by some pathetic love for you. Even when I gave you a second you just blew it. That good enough of a reminder for you?

 

  
"I'm sorry, you don't know how goddamn sorry I am."

 

  
Lucille put a hand up to silence him. "Your apologies don't mean anything to me anymore. I don't give a fuck how you feel and I've moved on. The only reason I came was to tell you to take me off your file. Be some other idiot's problem."

 

  
"Are you happy now? Can you at least tell me that?"

 

  
"Not that you deserve that answer but I'm with someone new and we're engaged. Her name's Arat."

 

  
"Holy fucking shit," Negan whispered to himself.

 

  
"She's expecting me in the next hour. It's good you're okay Negan but I need you to leave me alone. Stop calling when you're drunk, stop texting and emailing. Just stop."

 

 

"Okay..I'll stop and I'll take you off my list. I'm glad you're happy now, you deserve that shit."

 

 

"Yeah, you're right, I do. Goodbye Negan."

 

 

Negan couldn't even be angry with her because she was happier and had moved on with her life. If she had been wallowing in the pain then he'd feel like a piece of shit. At least to a certain degree. Now that he'd done the one thing he needed to do, what was next?

 


	2. Surrendering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY this got updated & it's great to get back to updating my multi chapters. 
> 
> please excuse the long ass wait, i do have a lot of plans in mind for this fic & the next chapter will be rick centric.

Negan left the hospital without even finding Rick again because fuck Rick Grimes. That asshole was the reason he was fucking dead in the first place so good riddance to him.

 

Momentarily he felt this need to be on high alert, as he used to feel whenever he'd leave or enter a building, yet nothing was wrong. There were people everywhere, living people, that didn't have a care. What type of fucking place was this? He needed answers and one way or another he'd definitely get them.

 

The parking lot was full of cars and too many people. As fucked up as it was, Negan wasn't comfortable at all. When you grow used to a certain type of adrenaline rush, a constant gush of fear, it's hard to cope when you lose that. Negan almost felt uneasy not having a walker stumble towards him. And not having Lucille was making him ache inside. Growing attachment to a fucking bat was ridiculous but that murder bat had gotten him through shit. Now he could see what was formerly his wife and she hated his guts.

 

An aggressive grumbling noise startled him out of his thoughts. He scrunched his eyebrows together and realized it was just his stomach. How in the fuck do you still need to eat when you're dead?

 

Just when Negan weighed his options of food he remembered, he could get fast food. No more choosing between canned goods, eating whatever was available, making shit from scratch. He was now able to hit up a 7-11 for the first time in for fucking ever. Negan actually felt himself feeling overly excited about that shit. Would he still need money?

 

From the looks of his wallet he had some money but not very much. Unless he had a fair amount on his debit card? Negan rolled his eyes at the idea that even when you're dead you still need money.

 

  
People were staring at him as he stared in awe at everything around him. From cars breezing by, people chattering without getting their throats ripped out, coffee shops fully operating and most of all fast food restaurants. Negan walked down the street away from the hospital and eventually found a 7-11. Even some convenience store fried chicken sounded euphoric.

 

Negan gathered up small bags of Doritos then piled all of it up on the counter. The cashier, Noah, quirked his eyebrow like he was being a fucking freak. Which he probably was because he was almost drooling over Doritos. Anything he ever ate when he was alive had been stale as fuck. His eyes widened when he saw the fried chicken, wedges, wings and other fried foods behind the glass. So without any regret he ordered at least $40 worth of fried food.

 

  
He gleefully paid for everything and left with his three full bags of 7-11 purchases. Seeming as he couldn't wait for jack shit, he found the nearest bench and sat there not giving a fuck. Negan opened up one of the boxes and took a fried chicken thigh out with excitement. The moment he bit into it made him almost have a fucking orgasm. He almost came in that fucking moment. The chicken was wonderfully seasoned, juicy and so goddamn crunchy. Negan devoured what he could stomach at the moment, threw the garbage into the bin closest to him and left.

 

  
If this was Hell then he was fucking fine with that shit, if this was the endless fire and brimstone the fanatics talked about, then burn baby fucking burn. Negan hadn't felt so excited over food in years. Living in a world where the dead walked was bullshit and now he was free from it. Free from the crippling fear that came from walkers.

 

  
Without any hesitance he started belting Zeppelin songs as he walked down the busy street. People, if they were even real, were staring at him but it didn't matter. He felt like he was in a goddamn musical. And what was wrong with that?

 

* * *

 

Negan found out he lived in some average apartment, in a relatively average area and was a retired gym teacher. So basically the afterlife didn't go with a different career path for him. Instead he was the same gym teacher who fucked with the kids as well as pissed off the parents.

 

That life was never something he was ashamed of but the afterlife couldn't have humored him a little?

 

He set his three bags down in front of the elevator and waited for it to come down. Once it finally did he got ready to enter, only to find Laura sitting in the goddamn thing. She gave him a look that said 'leave me the fuck alone'. This was exactly how Laura had been when he was alive. So it didn't surprise Negan in the slightest that afterlife Laura was the same fucking way.  Negan picked his bags up and went inside the elevator.

 

Negan pressed the floor number and watched the elevator door close.The awkwardness was driving him bat shit so he decided to make conversation with the blonde. He almost offered her some chicken because that could make almost anyone smile.At first Laura didn't respond back to him and that was when he figured it was a hopeless fucking cause. Then she turned towards him and scoffed like he was the scum of the goddamn earth.

 

  
"What the fuck is your problem? Did I screw you and not call back? What the fuck is it?" Negan had no idea what could be wrong with her. The whole being dead thing had him in a goddamn tizzy. "You look like I pissed in your cereal."

 

  
Laura took an extremely deep breath. "You really don't get why I'm pissed you dumb ass weasel? Arat would still be with me if you hadn't fucked up with Lucille."

 

  
So he wasn't the only one lowkey or in this case really fucking thrown by Lucille being engaged. As selfish as it was, and it was fucking selfish, Negan felt less alone in the situation.

 

  
The way Laura looked said that she was really going through it. She had on an oversized black hoodie, black sweatpants, sneakers and looked like she just drank for three days straight.

 

  
"We'll get through this shit eventually. You'll fucking see." Negan patted her shoulder in that comforting type way. "If they're happy we should be happy for them. Sounds like bullshit but what can we fucking do?"

 

  
"Ruin their goddamn engagement, crash the wedding together and fuck it up or some shit."

 

  
"We could do all that but we would look like a bunch of assholes. The ones who can't move on with our goddamn lives and let those two be happy. The end result wouldn't go in our favor. Lucille is done with me and Arat is likely done with you. I know that's really not the shit you want to hear."

 

  
"It wasn't."

 

  
"What I've learned in my long goddamn life is that sometimes you fuck up and can't fix it. We both went wrong somewhere with them so they fucked off. Now we've gotta live with the shitty aftermath."

 

  
The elevator stopped on the floor that Laura lived in, she told him thanks and that he should swing by for a drink sometime. Negan could tell the offer was platonic and nothing sexual. He never held interest in her in the old world anyways. From what he gathered her and Arat really did have a thing in the real world. Now he wouldn't know how shit turned out.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Walking into his apartment for what was very much the first time was odd. The place wasn't unclean, tacky and didn't have empty liquor bottles everywhere. In fact it was pretty goddamn clean. Negan had a pretty decent set up in the small but comfortable living room. The kitchen didn't have much in the way of food in it but Negan had all his bags of food. So it didn't even matter.

 

  
He put the food into the fridge and kept one of the small boxers of wedges out. Shoving food into his mouth felt so good, tasting something that wasn't canned was such a luxury. Though Negan ate pretty fucking good back when he was alive. Mostly everyone else in the Sanctuary had to work their asses off to get even gelatto.

 

  
Even thinking about that made him think of Simon, who he choked out on the floor of the Sanctuary. His best fucking friend, who betrayed him and wanted to take him out. The same man who slaughtered the garbage people. Aside from Jadis who escaped somehow in that fiasco. Yet he still missed him but maybe he was alive in this afterlife. Or whatever the fuck one can consider themselves.

 

  
Negan still felt confused about where he was, whether it was heaven or hell. Earlier he didn't even care if it was hell because it wasn't all that terrible. Though what if this was simply a facade and he'd repeat the same day forever.

 

  
He picked his phone out of his pocket then scrolled through his contact list. Of course Lucille was still in it and he had her labeled as "Luci" , Simon's name followed closely behind, and almost everyone that was apart of the Saviors. Negan scratched at his head before pressing the call button. The phone rang and rang until Simon answered but was huffing.

 

  
It sounded like he was getting fucked or was fucking someone for that matter.

 

  
Before he could hang up, Simon answered with a breathy "hello".

 

  
"Is this a bad fucking time or what?" Negan rolled his eyes at Simon laughing at him on the other end.

 

  
"Goddammit, fuck, alright I'm good now." Simon chuckled wholeheartedly. "I just finished fucking this hot young thing. He kinda reminded me of Dwight."

 

  
"Dwight?"

 

  
"Yeah, Dwight, as in the asshole who I can't seem to get the fuck over already. That stringy haired bastard is with Sherry, the girl you screwed while you were with Lucille."

 

  
Why was it Sherry always seemed to be partially the cause for drama? No matter where Negan fucking was. It was apart of why Dwight had that hate on for him in the former world. Since he was fucking his wife and openly speaking about it. Even kissing her right in front of him. Their marriage was never legit because which wife really was? They had been a way for Negan to forget his shitty past.

 

  
He cared about the girls, of course, but he didn't love any of them. They sure as fuck didn't love him either. Probably plotted to kill him at one goddamn point. It wouldn't surprise him in the slightest.

 

  
Negan stayed on the phone with Simon who babbled on about his feelings. And it felt normal like they were just regular best friends who didn't ever try to kill each other. He still wished things could have been normal before. Maybe they were headed there all along and there was no stopping that disaster.

 

  
But it didn't really matter anymore because in reality Simon was dead, and so was Negan.

 

  
They finished their conversation and Simon told him that he had some shower sex to attend to. Negan set his phone down then noticed there was a laptop on the kitchen table. He went to sit down, opened the laptop up, turned it on and snooped his fake life. His background was an old picture of him and Lucille. It was pathetic to see but also represented who he actually was. He was someone who couldn't move the fuck on.

 

  
When he was alive he never got to heal himself or even think about healing. So he named his murder bat after his dead wife and thought that would help him cope. Instead it made him obsessive over a piece of wood. He even jerked off with it at times and it was fucking ridiculous. Negan went to his settings and changed the background photo to one of the examples.

 

  
Negan searched through his really unorganized laptop that had too much Lucille, shitty porn and a cluttered trash bin. He had no energy to even clean it up or even begin with the contents within the trash bin. So he decided on taking a nap because why the fuck not? There weren't any people to take care of, no one blubbering or complaining. No dead fucks. No Rick Grimes fucking him in the way he didn't enjoy.

 

  
Finally he felt like he was surrendering to circumstances willfully, not forcefully.

 


	3. Getting Reacquainted

Getting reacquainted to regular life, even in the afterlife, was a lot more exhausting than Rick wanted it to be. Getting the chance to see Carl again was a gift he should be thankful for. That was all he wanted before he died. A small part of him even wished he had hallucinated Carl. But that wouldn't have been a sign of anything helpful.

 

  
This Carl wasn't someone so unfamiliar anyways. His stubbornness was unwavering and he still had no issues swearing in front of him. But he soon found out that Carl was twenty one and his heart stopped.

 

  
Rick didn't have to ask if Lori was alive because Carl told him as much. According to Carl she lived in Atlanta with Shane. Hearing that wasn't remotely disheartening for Rick, not like it would have been before. Rick was no longer stuck in that grief over Lori or Shane. He supposed it became easier to handle grief in the old world for him. People were constantly dying around him and he had duties on top of it all. Falling apart wasn't something he was really allowed to do after the prison.

 

  
Whenever Carl stopped the car at a red light, Rick saw people he knew from before. There was Jerry and a very pregnant Nabila, Gabriel who was wearing street clothes, Jadis who was kissing some dark haired woman and even Gregory. More than likely none of them had a clue who he was. Rick observed all of the details anyone would usually gloss over. From the restaurants, the people walking down the street, couples holding hands and the overall regular life atmosphere. What Rick became accustomed to was walkers, blood and guts, people dying around or in front of him. Not to mention losing those he thought of as family.

 

 

Now he would be handling what he did before - bills, groceries and taxes. Since he was also single due to dying, he might even start dating again.

 

  
The car came to a sudden halt and the brakes squealed. Some guy that Rick swore looked familiar was running across the street like a lunatic. Carl rolled down his window and Rick knew what was coming.

 

  
"Hey asshole, use the crosswalk!" Carl followed that by sticking his middle finger up.

 

 

This version of Carl reminded him of Negan more than anything else.

 

 

  
Rick pinched the bridge of his nose then turned to his son. "Carl! Watch your mouth."

 

  
"I'm happy that you're not actually dead, dad. Just please don't start treating me like I'm some kid. I know I'll always be a kid to you but it's just not necessary." Carl's facial expression told Rick that he should keep it himself.

 

  
"I'll try my best not to treat you like a child anymore." Rick nodded and forced himself to smile at who was supposed to be his son. "Are you and Enid still goin' strong?"

 

  
"Clearly whatever happened to you made you forget a few things. I'm dating Enid and this other girl named Lydia. I know you were confused before but Lydia grew up differently. Everyone is cool with it, we're all dating each other and I'm happy. For once I'm actually happy."

 

  
Even though it was shocking to hear that Carl was in a poly relationship, he was relieved that Carl was okay That was something that Carl never really was in the old world. He grew up too fast and witnessed way too much in his young life. Maybe it was better that he left the old world when he did.

 

  
The car ride was peaceful for the most part and Rick was just taking in his environment. What would he do now that he was dead? Did he need a job? Was money taken care of? If he was being honest with himself he forgot how to deal with money. The wheels in Rick's mind were turning and turning. He got some answers out of Carl and was told that he was retired from the force. So he lived comfortably from what Rick was understanding. Asking too many questions looked weird because he should know his own life. That couldn't have been forgotten completely. At least not in the eyes of everyone else.

 

  
Carl eventually got them to their destination, drove behind an apartment building and parked in its parking lot. When they both got out of the car he felt a strong pull. The feeling was intense inside his body and it felt like he was being literally pulled towards something. Carl asked him if he was okay but Rick told him everything was fine. Despite it not being the truth.

 

  
The closer Rick got to the entrance of the apartment building, the more he felt that extreme pull. Rick followed Carl who led them to the elevator. He pressed some buttons that Rick wasn't paying attention to. No one was in the elevator so they stood comfortably in it together.

 

  
Instead of thinking about being with his son again, he started remembering moments before he died, how it felt to die. He left so much behind - Michonne, Judith, Daryl, Maggie and everyone else. How were they holding up now that he was gone? Was there a way to find out? Rick didn't have anyone else to talk to about it except Negan. And that sure as hell wasn't going to happen.

 

  
Rick had to get used to living normally again because he wasn't going back. As much as he wanted to be home again, he would never happen. He lived as much as he was supposed to. Now they would have to move on and go on without him. Michonne would raise and take care of Judith like always. Maggie would rise up and continue to lead. Daryl would continue to be himself. Rosita would find happiness again, maybe with Tara? Everyone would be okay.

 

  
"What do you want to eat tonight? It's your night to cook but I don't think I can handle it right now." Carl chuckled before grabbing pamphlets from a drawer. He slid them across the island in their kitchen.

 

  
"We could order in if you want. I can't say I'm in the mood to cook or possibly burn the place down. You in the mood for pizza or somethin' else?" Rick held up two different pamphlets for Carl to choose from. "Either is fine with me."

 

  
"Chinese."

 

  
"Alright."

 

  
Rick got Carl to order whatever he wanted while he explored the apartment. The place wasn't messy, it was actually quite tidy, almost too tidy. He peeked into the bathroom to find nothing was out of place. It had simple decorations, a seahorse toothbrush holder, light blue shower curtains and mats. There was an assortment of cologne that he could tell wasn't his own. Rick noticed himself in the mirror. He needed a haircut and maybe a shave.

 

  
He left the bathroom to look inside Carl's room which was not at all clean. A collection of comics were sloppily placed on a bookshelf, a bunch of video game cases were on his bed and empty cans were in a bin.

 

  
At least Carl wasn't strangely neat and tidy.

 

  
The room at the end of the hall was obviously his own. So he took a deep breath before opening the door to where he'd be sleeping for eternity. He was welcomed with a very plain looking bedroom with a navy blue bed set. There were pictures on the wall of the gang, Carl, a group photo of a whole bunch of people at a dinner. He noticed that Negan was in the background of one of the pictures. Rick stomped over to the picture and saw Daryl and Jesus, himself and Negan who was holding a middle finger up with some woman.

 

  
Rick felt foreign in what was supposed to his home with Carl. This wasn't his life, it was manufactured by some higher being or whoever. He never was much of a believer in much of anything. Living there felt wrong to him because he everyone he loved was still in a nightmare. Tears started coming and he walked over to his bed to collapse on it. Rick turned onto his stomach so he could scream into his sheets. A drink would probably do him good and maybe a moment alone later.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Eventually their take out arrived and Rick was unbelievably excited for it. They didn't eat slop in Alexandria but it wasn't the same as eating this type of food. He almost forgot what an egg roll tasted like. Rick shoveled copious amounts of food onto his plate which had Carl looking at him.

 

  
They ate in almost complete silence aside from the show that Carl put on. Apparently Carl enjoyed watching "The Punisher" and it was weird because Frank Castle looked like Shane.

 

  
After eating what they could both stomach, Carl told him he was going to bed because he had work in the morning. Rick managed to ask Carl where he worked. That lead to Rick finding out that Carl co owned a comic book shop. They told each other goodnight and Rick took off once he heard Carl's door shut.

 

  
Rick entered the hallway, shut the door and started to feel that tug in his stomach again. Whatever was causing it was starting to irritate him. He was dead so why would he be feeling sick? The feeling got more and more intense as he walked down the hallway. When he reached a certain apartment door, he damn near fell over. Rick tried to rush out but toppled forwards and landed on his knee a bit too hard.

 

  
One of the doors in the hallway opened up from what he could hear. He felt so embarrassed he was bent over and not moving from the floor. The person was whistling a very familiar tune but not saying anything. Rick turned his head to find Negan staring at him with lust in his eyes. He groaned and managed to get up off the mahogany carpeted floor. Why couldn't he get some damn peace? Even in death he was dealing with the man that killed him in the first place.

 

  
"Need some help, Ricky?" Negan purred in a way that made Rick blush. "The position you were just in got me a little excited. I can't deny that."

 

  
Rick scoffed at the taller man before he continued down the hallway. "I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole."

 

  
"No, I think you'd be real hands on if you let yourself. Maybe those rough hands of yours would stroke my - "

 

  
"Don't you have somethin' better to do than bother me? I'm done dealin' with you and I just want some goddamn peace. You killed me, ain't that enough for you?"

 

  
When Negan didn't respond back he took that as a yes. Until he heard Negan continuing to follow after him once more. Rick reached the elevator and couldn't close it before Negan followed inside. He angrily pressed the button that went down to the main floor.

 

  
The pain was coming again and it was strange since Negan was acting weird too. Rick didn't know what the hell was going on with his body.

 

  
"Have you been feelin' these weird tugs in your body? They just start up randomly and I don't know why," Rick asked Negan who nodded as a response.

 

  
"It's fuckin' irritating and they started to act up when I saw you. I'm just better at hiding when I'm uncomfortable, clearly."

 

  
"Maybe it's connected in some way? We did die together at the same time practically. I'm still uncertain as to what this place is exactly. It feels like it's meant to be what the world would have ended up as. Y'know before it all went to shit."

 

  
"For once I gotta fucking agree with you, Rick."

 

  
Awkwardly they stood there until the elevator reached the main floor.

 

 

Rick left the elevator first and sighed deeply when he saw Negan follow him. "What the hell are you doin?" Rick's fist clenched like he was ready to attack the man. "I just need some time alone. And even if I wanted company, you wouldn't be it."

 

  
Negan's continued smiling like it was no big deal. "I just need to get a goddamn drink so if that's where you're headed then I'm tagging along."

 

  
There was nothing that Rick could say to get rid of him, so he let Negan tag along. But there was no way in hell that Rick would let him choose the bar.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do apologize for the late ass update but i hope it was enjoyable enough. tbh this fic will be relatively long (hopefully i can actually do it) so buckle up. i don't want to rush these two into any romance, smut or whatever. so remember this will be a slow burn.


	4. Wrong Solutions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yesterday was my 24th birthday so that's why this was a bit later than i had wanted. anyways, here's the long overdue update to this!!
> 
> i should note the POV is Negan in the beginning then the rest is Rick.

In the end Negan did end up choosing the bar and he reveled in the irritated look on Rick's face. He purposefully chose a gay bar just to see what Rick would do about it. From what Negan could see, there were a lot of young people inside.

 

  
When he noticed the name of the bar he started howling with laughter. The goddamn Sanctuary was the name of the fucking bar. It was clearly his destiny in his afterlife to go to a gay bar called "The Sanctuary".

 

  
Negan practically pulled Rick inside and the bouncer didn't bother asking for ID. Obviously. Then he felt Rick's resistance to step even further into the place. He rolled his eyes because it figured Rick was a buzz kill.

 

  
"Don't you think this club is a bit too young for us? And it's also a - " Rick stuttered and didn't even finish his sentence.

 

  
Negan rolled his eyes at how much of a prude Rick was. "A gay bar? Fuck yeah it is! Are you fucking homophobic or some shit? That's some real Southern shit if you ask me, Rick."

 

  
"I ain't mad that you brought us to a gay bar but I'll be honest I've never been to one. And all these people look old enough to be one of my children."

 

  
"Maybe some twink grinding on you is what you fucking need. Loosen the fuck up, you're dead and so am I. We gotta make the best of our afterlives if you ask me."

 

  
"You're the reason I'm dead in the first place. I could be home with Michonne right now and with the people I love. Instead I'm here with you, the man who killed me, it's some sick joke."

 

  
"Darlin' you were never gonna out live Michonne. She's too bad ass to die any time soon. Also you should be honored it was me who killed you. Can you stop looking at me like that? I'm just attempting to lighten the fucking mood. C'mon I'll buy you a couple drinks, dance with you and then we'll go home."

 

* * *

 

 

 

A couple of drinks turned into too many and that's how Rick ended up getting sandwiched. The drinks were clouding his judgment clearly because he was letting Negan egg him on. After Rick was finished letting two strangers grind on him he sat down. Negan ordered himself another shot and got Rick some water. Their drunken conversations were the most civil they'd ever been.

 

  
Rick rambled on about how much he actually missed the apocalypse. Only because of who he left behind and how it became his normal to fight and kill. Now he was living a regular life but he wasn't alive. He did need some answers and hoped he'd get them eventually. Why was he stuck with Negan? Why did he get those striking pains? And was his family okay?Finding peace would never happen until he knew all of those things.

 

For a moment he glanced out the window and saw someone that he felt he knew. The person's back was turned but Rick recognized the outfit they were wearing.  Just when he thought they'd turn around - they disappeared. Rick blinked a couple times because that couldn't have been real. Not like it was any stranger than being with Negan in his own afterlife.

 

  
The Sanctuary eventually died down and Negan decided they needed to go. Since they lived in the same apartment complex they took a cab together. And their cab driver ended up being Gabe. Of course Negan talked his ear off just because he could, meanwhile Rick just sat there listening.

 

  
They gave Gabe a tip, told him thank you for the ride home then headed inside the building together. The drunkenness hadn't faded just yet so Rick was a bit clumsy in his movements. Thankfully Negan got them both on the elevator and pressed the right buttons. Rick stood in the corner, trying to get himself upright and alert. He half expected a walker to be waiting on the other side. That's what he was used to. He felt undeniably low knowing he'd never see what his people would build. All of the plans he had in his head wouldn't come to fruition.

 

  
Rick heard the elevator ding and watched the door open. He almost fell forwards until Negan caught him but lost his own footing. They fell to the ground together and Negan landed on top of him. Despite how skinny he was, Negan was pretty damn heavy. He moved to look up and Negan was staring down at him. Those same eyes that he looked into with malice seemed different. Negan broke the moment by getting off him and helping Rick to his feet.

 

  
Neither of them said a word when they separated to go to their own apartments. Rick had felt the urge to tell Negan he had a decent time with him. Though more than likely he would have made some dumb ass joke. Rick fiddled with his keys and managed to get his front door opened up. The apartment was quiet because Carl was asleep so he closed the door gently. Getting to his own bed ended up not happening so Rick crashed on the couch. It didn't take him long to pass out either.

 

 

  _Birds were chipping  and Rick's eyes opened slowly to find himself in a field of green grass. A peaceful energy was in the air which felt foreign in every sense. Rick hadn't remembered the last time he felt utterly peaceful. He turned his head to see Negan laying beside him.  
_

 

_Negan was singing a song that Rick vaguely knew, "Lovin' you is more than just a dream come true.."_

 

_"What are you doin'?  Why are singing that?" Rick tried asking Negan but got ignored completely._

 

_"And everything that I do is outta lovin' you."_

 

_"Negan -"_

 

_"You can't stop it, Rick."_

 

  
The smell of bacon woke up Rick up from his smell and also the headache from his mild hangover. Rick stretched himself out on the couch because he'd been scrunched up. Seeing Carl make food made his heart swell and then the feeling fluttered away. This wasn't really Carl, this wasn't actual life and his son was still dead. Rick made it known that he awake by saying good morning. Instead of grumbling, Carl responded back casually.

 

  
Rick got up from the couch to see what exactly Carl was making. There was a bit of a spread that was actually impressive. From some fruit, toast and the bacon that Carl was taking out of the pan and putting on paper towel. "That looks great."

 

  
Carl cleared his throat, "It's only bacon. I woulda made pancakes but I have to get to work soon. Being a co owner really sucks sometimes. By the way I'm going away for the weekend with Enid and Lydia."

 

  
"Oh. I know you don't need my permission but are you goin' very far?"

 

  
"Not really and I''ll be back on Monday. I've just been so busy and want to give them both a good weekend."

 

  
After sitting down to eat for a span of ten minutes, Carl left Rick to go to work. He would apparently be back later on but only briefly. So Rick would have to spend the rest of the weekend alone. Maybe it would give him time to possibly find some answers about why he was there. Or he could easily spend more time with Negan because he was the only one who understood.  That could easily be the wrong solution to his problems. Just like drinking as much as he did was, but it's all Rick had.

 


	5. Where, How, Why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY UPDATING THIS, i hate that it took this long but none of that matters now. i do have a lot in store for this fic (unless i change my mind) so hopefully it's interesting already.

The apartment was lonely and uncomfortable for Rick without Carl around. Even though everyone he loved existed in his afterlife, it wasn't actually real. It was a manifestation of what he wanted for himself but then why was Negan there? He knew he wouldn't get any explanations sitting around the complex. Though where would he go exactly? Rick didn't know how to function in a normal world anymore.

 

 

Angrily Rick smacked a vase without thinking, causing it to fall on the floor which ultimately broke it. There were shards everywhere and he didn’t want to clean it up. But if he didn’t clean it up right away then he would likely end up stepping on the shards. Rick got the broom out of the hallway closet and walked over to the mess. He cleaned it up, swept the shards into the dust pan and emptied it into the trash.

 

 

And just like that his phone dinged with a notification. Rick furrowed his brows because who would be texting him. When he got his phone out of his pocket he saw it was Negan.

 

 

Negan: hey

 

Rick: Hi

 

Negan: damn someone’s not happy to get a text from me

 

Rick: What else did you expect?

 

Negan: that’s cute but would you be able to come over? i’m fucking bored

 

Rick: I guess

 

Negan: i left the door unlocked for ya

 

 

How he became so desperate that he’d hang out with Negan again, Rick didn’t know. If he was going to see Negan he could at least get his help. They needed to know more about why they were there. And not only that but why their afterlives were tied together.

 

 

Rick remembered he was still in his PJ’s but it didn’t even matter. Not like he was going out anywhere special. He swiped his keys from the key hanger and left his apartment. When he stepped out into the hallway he saw someone laying on the floor. They looked familiar and one he got closer he saw their face. It was Laura and she looked like she’d passed out.

 

Waking her up would be the sensible thing to do, especially if creeps lived in their complex, but Rick was conflicted. Laura may react violently if he touched her. But leaving her there like that was out of the question. He rolled her over so he could probably check her pulse. As he expected she was still breathing which just meant she was just sleeping. Rick tapped her cheek to see if that would wake her up.

 

 

Laura awoke with a startled gasp and she looked right into Rick’s eyes. “Tryna cop a feel you creep?”

 

 

“No.” Rick shook his head, exasperated. “I was tryin’ to wake you up. You were layin’ down right here and I wanted to make you were okay.”

 

 

“Oh, well thanks dude. Um, I’m gonna go to my room and fall asleep in my actual bed. Had a rough night.”

 

 

“Clearly. I’ll see ya around.”

 

 

It was more than obvious that Laura was hurting in some way. To fall asleep in the hallway like that indicated as such. Rick continued his way down the hallway to get to Negan’s apartment. Once he was outside of it he felt slightly nervous. He could easily bail and tell Negan today wasn’t a good day. Though it’d be a lie and he couldn’t spend the day alone.

 

 

Rick knocked on Negan’s apartment door and waited for a response. No one came right away, in fact it took five minutes for him to answer. The door opened and there was Negan with soaking wet hair and a flustered expression on his face. He didn’t even look like Rick normally saw him. And it threw him for a bit of a loop if he was being honest. Rick could have sworn he felt butterflies inside his stomach.

 

 

With a smirk Negan invited him inside his surprisingly clean apartment. Negan offered him a drink but Rick declined.

 

 

“Suit yourself.” Negan shrugged and padded over towards his fridge. He was wearing grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt. The attire was also quite different than what Rick was used to. Normally the man wore those same jeans, the same white t-shirt and leather jacket. But they were dead so maybe old habits actually did die.

 

 

Despite it not even being his home or anywhere familiar, Rick plopped down on Negan’s couch. “So why’d you invite me over?”

 

 

“Why the fuck not? We’re both dead and stuck here together. May as well make the best of it and actually get to know each other better. Not like we got anything better to do. I miss home too but there’s literally no going back. Now, why don’t you stop being such a fucking prick and have a drink?”

 

 

Maybe Negan was right and they should make the best of it.

 

 

"Hello? You got water in your ears or some shit? Do you wanna let loose and have a drink or not?" Negan hollered from the kitchen, which wasn't far away, at all.

 

 

Or not.

 

  
Rick groaned at how Negan was still as loud as ever. "Can you stop that? It's obnoxious and irritating."

 

 

"Oh I'm fucking sorry. I know you're used to people idolizing the fuck outta you. Which came with a lot of ass kissing, maybe literally for all I fucking know."

 

 

"You're one to talk."

 

  
Getting into yet another fight would have no benefit on either of them. They would simply punch each other a bit then go back to being civil. Rick wasn't into explaining a black eye to Carl, so he refrained from confrontation. Instead when Negan brought him a drink, he took it and didn't question what it was. After Rick's first sip he knew right away that it was some brand of rum. He'd never been a huge drinker in his adulthood. Unless he counted when Shane would take him out.

 

  
The liquor did help drown out Negan's incessant talking and it made Rick feel better. Nothing was wrong for a short amount of time at least.

 

 

Eventually Negan had the bottle on the table and he kept pouring them both drinks. Rick knew he'd hit his limits but he kept going anyways. He wasn't alive anyways so his liver wasn't screaming at him. Getting up to go to the bathroom proved difficult though. His vision was extremely blurry, every step felt like too much, and Negan was laughing at him. Of course he'd be an asshole by not helping.

 

  
The apocalypse never gave Rick much opportunity to get drunk. So drinking again felt so unfamiliar. What was funny was it took dying for him to actually enjoy himself.

 

 

Rick got to the bathroom in one piece and locked the door behind him. He managed to pee into the toilet bowl, zip himself back up again, wash his hands thoroughly and sit on the bathtub's edge. He thought about what Michonne was up to, if Judith would ask about him and how Maggie and everyone else was. What were the communities doing? Was the war actually over now? Did Michonne weep over his dead body? Did Daryl retreat into himself? What the hell was going on.

 

  
A knock startled Rick out of his thoughts and he asked what Negan wanted.

 

 

"Are you dying in there?"

 

  
"No. I'll be out in a second."

 

 

When he heard Negan's footsteps retreating, he finally got up and walked over to the door. Rick still felt dizzy but drinking some water would help. Soon as he opened the door he saw Negan standing there in front of him. How in the hell he was that fast to come back around was mind blowing. Or at least to Rick's drunken logic it was.

 

 

  
Negan took him by the hand and led him over to the couch. Of course Rick ignored the strange fluttery feeling when their hands touched.

 

 

  
Both of them sat back down again with a sigh. The moment the drunkenness wore off they'd be back to square one. Negan spontaneously decided to put music on. And Rick almost bolted for the door upon hearing that suggestion. That was until Negan pressed play on a song on his phone.

 

 

  
Rick found himself quietly singing alone. "Sittin' here restin' my bones. And this loneliness won't leave me alone."

 

 

Right when Otis started whistling, Negan drunkenly tried to copy it and Rick tried to conceal his laughter. They both broke into laughter until the next song started playing. Negan quickly changed it as soon as he heard 'Lucille.'

 

* * *

 

 

"So you can imagine how it feels to see her again. She hates my fucking guts in this..whatever the fuck this honestly is. This is what should have happened before. I didn't deserve for her to stay with me after I cheated the way I did. So that's why I named the bat after her - to have her with me. Go ahead and tell me I'm a piece of shit." Negan waited for Rick to call him a scumbag and it wasn't coming.

 

  
Rick cleared his throat, "I'm sorry. I really am."

 

  
Just to see if Rick was being truthful, Negan made eye contact and the man's eyes couldn't lie. That brought Negan a sort of fleeting comfort. Until Rick broke eye contact with him. It just showed they could never really get past everything. Probably was for the best.

 

  
He didn't push Rick to stay when he decided to leave twenty minutes later. The man wasn't completely sober but assured he'd be okay. Apparently Rick needed to look for answers about why they were there. Negan couldn't blame him because it was confusing as fuck. In what universe would he be in the same afterlife as Rick fucking Grimes?

 

  
Given Rick's track record and getting what he wanted - it was likely he'd figure it out. I mean, he was the one to kill him, so he always got the job done.

 

  
Negan paced around his apartment to get some ideas of his own. Who could he call on to help them figure shit out? Did they have a fucking line to a higher power?

 

  
"Oh dear, this ain't right is it?"

 

  
The voice startled Negan that he let out the stupidest fucking yelp. He was never one to be scared all that easy, but some random person was in his apartment. The man was pale, older, had a stark white beard and hair, off colored suspenders and a pale yellow shirt.

 

  
Never in his life had he ever seen this man. So he was curious as to why he was visiting him and who he fucking was. Negan almost went to grab something for a weapon. But the man assured him he was there to help him.

 

 

"I'm still a bit fucking freaked out." Negan admitted as he kept a distance between him and the man. "Who the hell are you? Why are you in my place?"

 

 

"You definitely got a mouth on ya, can't say it bothers me like it used to. I was actually lookin' for Rick but it seems you need my help too. I've heard you got questions and I reckon I can provide answers. Just please don't be cussin' at me the whole time."

 

  
From what Negan could tell it wasn't a trap of some sort. This man knew Rick somehow and he wanted to know more about why that was. 

 

 

"Do ya got a name? Mine's Negan, unless you already knew that." Negan inched closer and held his hand out. "Don't worry, I'm pretty damn clean. "

 

 

The man didn't hesitate and firmly gripped his hand. "I'm Hershel, Hershel Greene."

 

* * *

 

 

 

Being aimless was something Rick actually disliked but he needed to know. Where was he? Why did he die with Negan? Was it fate? He was never a religious person in his former life. Of course his mother always tried to guide him in that direction. But it never stuck and he was glad it didn't.

 

  
Rick wound up resting in a trendy coffee shop, the place was packed and no one he knew was around. People were demanding their orders, the person working the counter looked flustered and the other workers were scrambling. The coffee shop itself had bold posters on the walls, nice seating areas and smooth wood tables.

 

  
He sat down near the front window and watched people. His surroundings were so calm and so still that it felt uncomfortable. Rick almost wished a walker would appear out of nowhere. And it was startling how much more comforting that thought was.

 

  
The noise of a chair scraping across the floor made Rick look. Just when he expected Negan to have followed him, he was proven to be completely wrong. His eyes went wide when he realized who was standing in front of him. With disbelief Rick opened his mouth to speak, "Dale?"

 

 

 


	6. There's No Stopping It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well,it's been many moons & here's a very short update.

“Hello Rick, it’s been some time since we last saw each other. Now I understand this is a bit of a shock but this setting seems appropriate.” Dale pulled the chair out and sat down in it. “Oh and don’t worry I never blamed Carl for what happened. He was a frightened boy and I was silly for being out there in the first place.”

 

Rick swallowed hard and fiddled with his fingers that were resting on the table. “Still, you didn’t deserve what happened to you. And we did try to mend things at the farm. Though you were right ‘bout Shane. It didn’t matter what history we had or anythin’. He wanted to get rid of me and I - I killed him.  I didn’t want it to go down like that.”

 

The compassion in Dale’s eyes reminded Rick of the man he was. Dale tried to hold onto his humanity back then. That was something Rick admired before he gave into the world. Now he was sitting in front of the man that he let down in the end. Rick proceeded to explain everything that happened after Shane. Of course Dale knew everything but allowed him to get into all the same.

 

“I’m sorry for what happened to Carl.” Dale spoke softly and gave Rick’s hand a pat.

 

“Thank you. I’m sorry for it too ‘cause I’m partially to blame. If I had slowed down and maybe tried to reason with Negan.”

 

“No. You can’t blame yourself for what’s done. There were other outcomes, yes, but your story and Negan’s are intertwined. Even if you had survived, you would change each other.”

 

Rick’s eyebrows furrowed, “What do you mean we’re intertwined?”

 

“Do you have time to sit here and listen?”

 

“We’re both dead ain’t we?”

 

Both men burst into laughter over Rick’s attempt at comedy. He didn’t know what to expect but he really needed answers.

 

* * *

 

 

 

After listening to Hershel explain who he was and his connection to Rick - it all made sense. He was a father figure to Rick in that shit fuck world.  Most likely he had tried to steer Rick in the right direction. And from the sounds of it - Rick was peaceful for a while. Even took a break from leadership to garden. Picturing Rick on his knees wasn’t a new thought but still.

 

Negan invited Hershel to sit down on his couch and have a drink. In which he declined the drinking but sat down.  “Are you here to tell me that Rick’s my savior? That he’ll keep me from heading 6 feet under?”

 

“No.” Hershel genuinely chuckled. “This is essentially your heaven. It took me dyin’ to realize exactly what the afterlife is. How funny is that? Maggie would probably say she told me so.”

 

“So about Maggie -”

 

“I already know what you did.”

 

What was coming next was likely Negan being told he was garbage. And he wouldn’t even object to being told that. What he did was obviously shit but at the time it was necessary. Or at least Negan felt it had been as such.  

 

Instead of being told that, Hershel told him that he was forgiving him for it. Not because he believed it was okay or that he wasn’t angry. But due to believing there was no point in holding on.

 

“How could you forgive me for that? He was your daughter’s husband and your son-in-law.”

 

“I don’t agree with what you did and I held anger against you for some time. But when you’re no longer alive, holding onto what you can’t control is even more useless. And Glenn has told me it’s okay to let it go. “

 

Negan didn’t know how to really feel about being forgiven. During the war he had no time to consider anything. He convinced himself he didn’t give a fuck, that he was right and Rick was wrong. When the reality was that both of them went about things wrong. Rick was fueled by grief and Negan was fueled by his need to be in control. They both fucked it up and there was no changing it now. He accepted the apology and hoped Glenn wasn’t going to pop up anytime soon.

 

“What can you tell me about why Rick and I are here together?” Negan crossed his fingers in hopes Hershel had answers.

 

 

Hershel sighed and leaned back in the couch. “You’re here together for many reasons. One being that high powers have a sense of humor. Putting two enemies together.”

 

  
”Wait wait wait. What the hell do you mean by putting us together?”

 

* * *

 

 

Simply acknowledging the pull he felt towards Negan when he was alive was one thing. But approaching them being romantic with each other was another.  Rick listened to Dale explain what was coming for them, how they would be together and there wasn’t any stopping those chain of events.

 

Rick briefly excused himself to get some coffee because he needed it. He ordered a coffee with two sugar and cream and also a shortbread cookie. The barista, who was Cyndi from Oceanside, handed over a mug and the cookie on a plate.

 

Everything was becoming more strange and now hearing he’d never escape Negan was nauseating. He sat back down in front of Dale who crossed his arms at him. Which is when he realized that he didn’t grab him anything.

 

 

“I’m sorry. I can go back.” Rick went to stand but Dale put his hands up.

 

  
”It’s alright, Rick. I’m yanking your chain. Please sit down.” Dale gestured towards the chair. “I know you don’t want to hear that but it’s true. I’m simply here to guide you for however long it takes. I’ll be here when you need me.”

 

 

Rick briefly smiled, “Thank you. And could you tell me what I can expect to happen next?”

 

 

“Sure can, Rick.”


	7. Ache

 

“As if Rick Grimes, the man with a stick up his ass, is who I’m meant to be with. What a load of horse shit, “ Negan mumbled to himself as he paced around his apartment. “If Lucille could see me now..boy she’d fucking laugh her ass off.”

 

Before Negan could carry on ranting like an idiot, he heard aggressive knocking on his door. Some stirring inside him said that it was Rick who was there. He slowly made his way over and the knocking didn’t stop.

 

When he pressed his body against the door he felt himself getting hot. Negan didn’t realize that he was damn near falling apart against the door. He got himself out of the daze, unlocked the door and opened it. Of course there was Rick who looked fired up. Whatever the hell it was that him heated, Negan would hear about it.

 

The younger man barged into his home and was talking to himself. Negan watched Rick carefully because he could snap at any moment. And witnessing Rick lose his shit before was enough to not want to see it again. Still, Negan thought it was a bit amusing to see Rick unraveling in front of him. To be privy to something that was likely private to Rick was…interesting. Though when Rick grabbed a pillow to scream into it - Negan had to ask him what was wrong.

 

Clearly that question was the wrong one because Rick paused midway talking to himself. In a calm manner Negan told Rick that he should drink some water.

 

“I don’t need any damn water. What I need is to know is if you know. Do you know that we’re bein’ set up some higher power?” Rick asked in a faux calm voice.

 

Instead of fanning the flames, Negan nodded once. Before he would have lit the match and watched Rick burn. Negan liked to think he was making progress now that he was dead.

 

Rick huffed and threw his hands up dramatically. “It doesn’t make any damn sense to me.”

 

“Tell me about it, you’re too uptight for me. Sure, I’d totally fuck you if that’s what you wanted but true love? Or whatever bullshit that dead old man is tryna sell me is unbelievable if you ask me.”

 

“Wait, what dead old man?”

 

“Some old man named..Hershey or some shit.”

 

Rick blinked fast as if he was taken aback by Negan’s words. “Hershel?”

 

“That’s his name! Yeah, he told me all about how he knows you by the way. Quite the fucking story if you ask me!” Negan couldn’t help but smile at the younger man. “You’re real fucking special, which I’ve told you before.”

 

The way his words made Rick blush was pretty goddamn adorable if Negan wa sbeing honest. All that attraction they had towards each other, despite how it resulted, was still lingering in the background. Negan still wasn’t fully convinced Rick was his one and only but the tension was enough. At least it felt like enough to try something. Maybe fuck out their anger and leave it at that. Or let it turn into an on going physical thing.

 

Negan tested the waters by leaning towards Rick who stepped away. He rolled his eyes at the disgust on Rick’s face, despite how he was blushing moments ago. A few minutes later Rick made an excuse to leave and a sort of aching crept up like a cat when Rick closed the door.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_2 months later_

 

 

“Dad, I’m moving in with Enid and Lydia. And before you ask me if I’m ready for this, I am. ”

 

When Carl was alive those were the words Rick dreaded hearing. More than likely his boy would have moved to Hilltop to be with Enid and have a life of his own. Only for that to be cut short but unplanned disaster. And even though this wasn’t his Carl, he was still his son. Rick showed his support and of course expressed that it saddened him but that he’d be okay. When he pulled his son in for a hug there wasn’t any resistance, none like before anyways. They hugged for a reasonable amount of time then Carl pulled away.

 

Two days later he helped Carl get the last of his items into the moving van. It was a moment he never would have had before. The apocalypse didn’t exactly offer much normality in anyone’s life. Now Rick was receiving what constituted as a second chance at life, even though he was dead.

 

When Carl drove off in his moving van, Rick went to the same coffee shop he saw Dale at. The much older man was there again like he was expecting Rick to return to see him. Rick wasn’t about to lie that he needed guidance or more answers from the man. So he ordered a french vanilla frappucino (a drink that Carl recommended he order for himself) and sat down in front of Dale. The man was wearing the same outfit he saw him in last time. It felt like a cartoon where the characters never changed clothes.

 

Before Rick could even speak about what was going on - Dale asked him how he was feeling about Carl. They spoke somewhat about Carl and Rick admitted he didn’t know what to do about being alone. Where he was still felt new to him and trying to adjust wasn’t going so smoothly.

__

“Have you spent any time with Negan recently? I know the man can be quite abrasive but resisting won’t help anything. It makes you feel lonelier, doesn’t it?” Dale’s thick eyebrows scrunched as if he was reading into him.

 

Rick swirled the straw in his drink, feeling a bit more nerve wracked by the mention of  Negan. “I’ve been avoiding having much outside of small talk with him. That feelin’ keeps coming back and it aches. I’m scared of allowing myself to really think about…him. Especially when I know Michonne’s grieving me back home. She doesn’t deserve for me to -”

 

“Move on?”

 

“It’s wrong…it’s wrong of me to do this.”

 

“No, Rick.” Dale shook his head and offered him a comforting smile. “It’s not wrong to want something for yourself, especially when you can’t go back. Michonne is grieving you and it hurts her more than you’ll ever know. But this hurt will fuel her to become the leader she needs to be. It’ll be important considering the threats that will be coming her way.

 

Tears were creeping down Rick’s cheeks, he hated thinking about Michonne being in pain over him. She didn’t deserve to lose him and Carl in such a short time span. Nor did Judith or anyone else that they loved.

 

Rick wiped his tears away before he got carried away with his emotions. Crying in public was never something he liked doing.  “What should I do then?”

 

“Talk to Negan. Let him know how you’re feeling and see what happens. One way or another you will have this conversation. Try not to fight it.”

 

* * *

 

 

 

All of Rick’s nerves were on fire as he went to Negan’s door to knock on it. Fighting what he was feeling wouldn’t have comfortable results. And the only way to deal with it was to face Negan properly. It wouldn’t be the first time they had a heated conversation.

 

Rick went to knock only for the door to open up right then. He opened his mouth to speak but saw a younger man, who looked a lot like himself, readying himself to leave. The younger man gave him a brief hello and asked Rick if he could move so he could leave. Rick didn’t say a word when he moved to the side, he was in too much shock to do so. He saw Negan coming towards the door but he was looking down at his phone as he was doing so. When the man looked up he saw Rick and stared at him curiously like he was confused about why he was there.

 

“If you’re hear to lecture me or make any comments by the person who just left - don’t fucking bother. They were a consenting adult,” Negan spoke sternly, as if he was proving himself to Rick.

 

“That wasn’t why I came over but it doesn’t matter now. I don’t think it ever really did. Have a good night.” Rick turned around and left immediately so Negan wouldn’t see the disappointment on his face. It was a mistake to think Negan was aching the same way, the man wasn’t capable of being that way. And allowing himself to want Negan was even more foolish. A leopard doesn’t change its stripes after all. Rick couldn’t help but remember the wives back at the Sanctuary. They were an arrangement to Negan and that’s what Rick would be.

 

Rick got his phone out and searched his contacts for Michonne and found her. Speaking to her would help him like it always had before. Of course it wouldn’t be the same but it’d be something.


	8. Such as Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lately i've really struggled in terms of finishing this chapter but i did so today! thanks for all those who still read this fic & actually bother to comment on it.

 

Seeing Michonne’s face, knowing she wasn’t the woman he loved, made Rick feel relatively unsettled.

 

Physically she was the same but everything else about her didn’t match up. This Michonne was engaged to Andrea, had been married to Mike for ten years and her son Andre was still alive. She lived a comfortable life that didn’t include blood, guts , walkers and people dying brutally around her. And she never had to experience losing Andre or Carl for that matter.  Knowing all that made Rick force his uncomfortable feelings far down in himself.

 

 

Even though the Michonne in his afterlife was different, she still sensed he was uncomfortable but he denied that he was. Instead of talking about that, he dove into what was he was meeting up with her about in the first place. Carefully Rick explained all that he was feeling about Negan right down to the bone. There wasn’t any use in hiding behind anything or sugarcoating his likely insanity. Rick watched how Michonne was sipping away at her vodka on ice.

 

 

__She’s probably gonna tell me I’m an idiot._ _ __ __Not that I blame her for it._ _

 

 

That moment never came, much to Rick’s surprise, instead what followed was a natural feeling silence. Rick couldn’t help but take a sip of his own drink.

 

 

“So let me get this straight,” Michonne spoke with a tad bit of humor in her voice. “You feel jealous that Negan, who you’ve been purposefully avoiding, has slept with someone else? Even though he’s single and you haven’t told him about your feelings. I’m sorry Rick, it doesn’t make any sense.”

 

 

The way it sounded was quite juvenile and embarrassing but Rick couldn’t deny that was exactly his situation. 

 

 

Michonne snickered and then erupted into full blown laughter to the point of tears. “Out of anyone you could have interest in! Negan?! He’s an emotional train wreck, ask Lucille. She was married to him and you can see how well that turned out for her. I’m telling you right now, Rick, run for the hills before he ruins you.”

 

 

“That’s different and you know it is. I ain’t sayin’ that I wanna get married and build a life with him. All I’m tryna say is that I’m drawn to him for a reason.” Rick wasn’t about to dive into what that reason was. Mainly due to how he’d sound crazy and this Michonne would call him out on it.

 

 

“Just because you’re drawn to somebody doesn’t mean they’re meant for you. Almost everyone has learned that the hard way. Quite frankly I don’t want you to, not in this instance. Negan will only hurt you ‘cause that’s just what he does. He’ll be tender for a while and then he’ll betray that tenderness with betrayal. I may not know that personally but Lucille’s given me enough details.”

 

 

“Trust me, I know he hurts people. I know it better than anyone and don’t ask me to explain. Just know that I won’t be foolish and be too trusting of him. “

 

 

Discussing it any further wouldn’t result in anything so they left the conversation there. Michonne called one of the servers over to their booth and said they were ready to order. The server came over and Rick almost choked on his water when he realized it was Ron Anderson. Seeing him again was like traveling back to a dark period in time. One where Alexandria was overrun and Carl lost his eye and almost died. Rick couldn’t get the image out of his head. He sputtered when Ron addressed them both about their orders.  Both Ron and Michonne gave Rick strange and relatively concerned looks. Rick quickly searched through the menu and saw mac n’ cheese chili as an option, the memory of him and Michonne flashed through his mind, so naturally he decided to order that.  

 

 

It felt like he was floating around in a dream, so much so that he didn’t even hear Michonne order anything and she had to snap her fingers at him. Rick came back in his mind and let Michonne know he was okay. She sighed but didn’t press any further about his dishonesty.

 

 

While they waited for their food to arrive they talked about surface level things. Michonne explained how Andre missed him and that he’d have to visit soon. Given that he was dead and had all the time in the world - it was the least Rick could do. Plus it’d be the first time meeting Michonne’s son, rather than hearing stories about him.

 

 

They also discussed Michonne and Andrea’s wedding and she discussed what she envisioned for it. She wanted a predominantly blue color scheme and white roses to be the flower of choice. Meanwhile Andrea wanted burgundy to be apart of the color scheme. Apparently they’d been playfully fighting about who would get what. Rick smirked at how simple that sounded. He wondered about what a wedding between him and Michonne would have looked like. From there his thoughts took a dramatic turn towards Negan. He could see everything so vividly, it was like a stream of thoughts he couldn’t turn off.  There was red roses and red napkins on the tables and Carl was giving a speech for them,  Rick could hear his son’s voice so clearly that it sent chills up his spine. __What the hell does this mean?__

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 Such as what he was supposed to do now and if it were worth it to tell Negan his feelings. He laid his head against his blue pillowcase and rested his hands on his bare stomach. An impulse came over him that caused his hand to travel down lower. Worst part was Rick didn’t want to stop either, he wanted to give into the desire to start touching himself at the thought of Negan.

 

 

When his hand slipped past the band of his briefs he gasped at the warmth. Rick hadn’t even noticed how semi-hard he was. He closed his eyes briefly and when he opened them he saw Negan crawling up his legs. Rick palmed his leaky length and moved his hand up and down. The motion was lazy, he knew that, but it didn’t matter how he pleasured himself because Negan was there. At least some hallucination of him was and he smiling seductively at Rick. Those obscenely white teeth were damn near blinding Rick but he kept going and going. Rick used his other hand to reach down and cup his balls which was enough to make him release.

 

 

The wetness covered the inside of his briefs which made Rick take them off and toss them in the corner. It was gross and yet he didn’t care about sleeping that way, not like he would have before. He was still feeling sensitive due to post orgasm and just wanted to fall asleep.  Unfortunately sleep didn't take over and that left Rick feeling empty again. He knew he could just pop over to Negan's to talk to him but it'd look off. They weren't on the greatest of terms and Rick wasn't exactly getting any calls or texts from him. So he took it as Negan didn't care. 

 

 

Rick wished he could say it didn't matter if he and Negan didn't repair any damages. After all they wanted to kill each other in life, which was never the greatest set up for a relationship. Unless he counted how he almost had Michonne killed back at the prison.  

 

 

_There's no one here that'll actually judge me for doing anything with him. Maggie or anyone else that had severely wanted Negan dead ain't here.  At least not really._

 

 

Restlessness became too overwhelming so Rick got out of bed, changed his briefs and went to get some water. When he was in the bathroom he saw heard a noise in the living room. All of his instincts said for him to go check it out, despite how it could be anyone or anything.  Rick almost grabbed something to use as a weapon until he saw Hershel standing there. His heart dropped into his stomach and he couldn't speak.  _It couldn't be him._

 

 

The closer he got to what looked like Hershel, the more his anxiety was building and building.  Rick couldn't get the image of how Hershel looked the last time he saw him - neck spewing blood and his body falling to the ground. 

 

 

Rick squeezed his eyes shut and felt the tears rolling down his cheeks.  "You can't be here. I'm just imagining this and once I open my eyes you won't be here."  


 

"Hello to you too, Rick. Are you gonna talk to me without your pants on?" Hershel's eyes traveled down and up again. "It's your place but the conversation might be a bit more serious if you're clothed."

 

 

An embarrassed flush spread across Rick's body, he likely looked silly standing around in his underwear. He assured Hershel he'd be right back and moved quickly towards his room.  Rick managed to find a pair of sweatpants and a tank top to put on and went back to the living room.

 

* * *

 

What Rick had missed over the years was receiving Hershel's wisdom. Majority of the time he needed it but had to follow his own gut, which wasn't always accurate. That's what got Abraham and Glenn killed and also what made the war spiral. Negan had given him chances to wave a white flag, only he didn't want to do that. Now he was face to face with Hershel again and would be able to hear what he needed to. 

 

 

"I know what you're about to do, Rick.  I also know that you're scared and don't know if this is the right decision. But I want you to know that it's all apart of the plan.  Just trust it." 

 

Rick breathed out and smiled at Hershel. "I know you wouldn't steer me wrong or ever tell me somethin' that wasn't true. It's just...why Negan? Why isn't it wrong to want this? After everythin' that he's done."

 

 

“Negan wasn’t a perfect man and he knows that much. I’m well aware of what he’s done but I’m also aware of who he’s supposed to become. With you.”

 

 

“I ain’t a good person either. I’ve done things that - you wouldn’t be proud of me if you’d been there. People died ‘cause of me, Carl died ‘cause of me and that pain consumed me.”

 

  
Hershel reached out and gripped Rick’s shoulder with the sternness of a parent. “Sure, you’ve done things but who hasn’t? You weren’t an evil man like the Governor and you can’t punish yourself like you are. I won’t let you. We can talk later but for now you need to go speak to that very vulgar man.”

 

 

They both exchanged a few laughs about Negan’s vulgarity and then Hershel disappeared in front of Rick. As he was putting on his slippers to go talk to Negan, he wondered what was going to be the end result. Would they just talk? Would Negan try anything else? Rick still felt nervous about how everything was supposed to go. Trusting himself was something he had to get used to, so he forced himself to leave his apartment and lock the door behind him.

 

 

 

 


	9. I Still Got My Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oblivions- the national is where the title came from.

When Negan was still alive and lived at the Sanctuary, he usually dreaded almost every evening. His reason weren’t linked to supernatural entities harassing him. It was directly linked to the loneliness that came over him at night. Even when he had all those wives - he still felt lonely. Not even Frankie’s amazing massages or the occasional cuddling he’d engage in after sex was enough. For some reason it seemed to make Negan feel less and it ruined enjoyable things for him. Yet he put on a charming grin for everyone, exclaimed how hot his wives were and let everyone believe he was okay. In order to look like a proper leader that’s what he showed people. Meanwhile behind closed doors he’d lose his shit or stare at the ceiling without a single feeling inside him. All there would be is an emptiness reminding him how hollowed out he was. Losing Lucille was apart of that but it was also the world. How people still held onto their humanity was astounding to Negan.

 

Negan put his dirty dishes into his sink to soak and tried to get his mind off shit. At least when Rick was speaking to him there was something. He at least felt something sturdy inside himself. Whether that was minor anger or even a rush of lust. Now all he could do was entertain himself or drown himself in booze and fast food. Which any therapist would tell him those were shitty coping mechanisms.  And for fucking sure they were but there wasn’t shit all else. The empty bottles gathering up in the corner said so as well.

 

He kept an eye on the hot water filling up the sink and the bubbles were foamy and smelled just like lavender. That smell reminded him of Lucille and the lavender soap that she loved to use before she got diagnosed. Negan wondered if this Lucille in his afterlife used the same soap, if she sang in the shower, danced like a maniac to Earth, Wind & Fire or loved buffalo wings with blue cheese dip. As Negan wondered those things, there was a persistent knocking on his door and he didn’t know who it could be. Did one of his recent hookups forgot something? He hoped not because he didn’t want to see any of them again.  They weren’t boring or without pleasure but it didn’t feel right for him anymore. Negan didn’t have much of a desire at this point.

 

Negan turned the tap off to avoid an overflowing sink (it was never a fun thing to deal with. His Lucille had a habit of leaving the sink on before she passed.)  He wiped his slightly wet hands down on his plaid pajama pants and went over to the door.  When Negan opened the door he was greeted with the sight of Rick. The man looked sweat soaked and was heaving like he’d been running around. Negan’s brows furrowed at the younger man who was speechless himself.

 

They both stood together without saying a fucking word because they were idiots like that.  Back in the day all that Rick loved to do was berate him and call him a piece of shit basically. Now Rick was speechless without even glaring at him. Negan gestured for Rick to come inside his place, despite how confused he was by the man’s sudden appearance.

 

"Sorry that I didn’t give you notice that I was coming by. This was really a last minute decision if I’m bein’ honest. “ Rick stood there with a hopeful look on his face.

 

Negan closed his door and crossed his arms around his chest. “What do you want now, Rick?”

 

“I’m here to tell you somethin’ and I need you to not say anythin’ to me until I’m done. Can you manage that?”

 

Normally Negan would say that he could do whatever the fuck he wanted. That he was an adult and would speak if he felt like it. Only he could see the desperation on Rick’s face that said he really needed to talk. So Negan just stood there and nodded for Rick to continue whatever rant he was on.

 

“Thank you. So Hershel came by to remind me of a few things and it gave me the confidence to come to see you. I’ve been avoiding you for a while, I know that, it’s just I did that ‘cause of the man I saw come out of your apartment. I wasn’t judging you , which is how it came across to you and it’s fair of you to think that. All I’ve done is treat you like a monster underneath the damn bed. Some of that you’ve deserved but now we’ve got a chance to start over and do better. And I want to do that with you, as in __with you__. We’ve always had some unspoken connection and you cared about Carl, I could tell you were hurt when I told you he…died.  Anyway, what I’m tryin’ to say is that I’ve got these feelings for you that I can’t shake.  I guess I always have felt somethin’ for you but didn’t want to admit it. Which is my own damn fault for resisting and waitin’ as long as I have.”

 

Negan didn’t know what to fucking say to all of Rick’s confessions. All of his fear for this type of intimacy was chipping away at his bravery. When he’d been with Lucille, it was the same goddamn thing. It’s apart of why he’d been such a terrible husband to her, why he cheated more than once and why he deserved to be kicked to the curb. Instead of giving Rick a proper response to what he said - he told Rick to take a seat in which he politely refused. Negan shrugged and went to pour himself a drink in the kitchen. The rum would hopefully give him the courage to at least respond back. He took the drink back and poured another as Rick spoke in the background. It was hitting him but it wasn’t remotely enough to help things along.

 

Offering a drink to Rick would have been the proper thing to do but he couldn’t think properly. If cowardice in intimacy were a disease then he was sick with it. Completely fucking sick.  Negan didn’t look over at the younger man and kept staring down at his dirty countertop.

 

Negan cleared his throat and wiped the drop of liquor off his mouth. “What makes you think I want that, huh? How do you know I’ve thought of you like that? I could just want to fuck you, own you and make you my bitch even more than you were before. Remember when I said I slid my dick down your throat. Well I fucking wished I coulda done that for real. Wouldn’t that have been somethin’?”

 

“You’re only sayin’ all this to get me to leave you alone and I won’t,” Rick stated in a serious tone.

 

 

Whatever came over Negan, whether it was the booze or something else, had him walking over to Rick.  All he wanted was to kiss him and take the man back his bed but there was no way. Their relationship wasn’t meant to be like that. It’d been fucking chaos from the start and not just because Negan killed Glenn or Abraham. All of Rick’s self righteousness clashed with Negan’s own hang ups.

 

"I don't think you know what you fucking want, Rick. Do you really think you woulda ever gone for me in life?  That your hot samurai girlfriend wouldn't be enough for you anymore? It's such fucking bullshit and you know that. You only want me 'cause of whatever destiny we've been pushed to believe. We're fucking dead! Why does it matter who we fuck or if we fuck each other?"

 

"This ain't about sex and you know that."

 

"Isn't it?" Negan got further into Rick's personal space which brought back memories. "Deep down I bet you fucking love when I did this. Got so close that you could almost taste my lips."

 

Rick breathed in and out through his nose. "Negan -"

 

"It turned you on didn't it? How close we'd get and even if you were threatening me you wanted me to take you. To bend you over in front of your little group and fuck you like a slut. "

 

They were so close together that Negan was surprised their lips weren't touching. Negan gave Rick a moment to say no or to push him off - nothing happened.  The booze was steering his ship and that made it easier to get closer and closer to Rick. And for a moment they were almost kissing each other but something shifted.  Negan couldn't have it happen like that or let Rick think he was sure of himself. 

 

Negan put his hand against Rick's chest and his heart was beating so goddamn fast. "We can't do this. I can't fucking do this 'cause I don't really know what I need or want. I think it's just best you stay away from me. At least for now."

 

 

"No. I don't want that." 

 

 

"Just fucking listen to me and leave."

 

 

There was a pleading in Rick's eyes that made Negan's heart ache so fucking insanely. "Please, Negan -"

 

 

"Get the fuck out!" Negan snapped right at Rick who just seemed bewildered. "Right now."

 

 

Acting aggressive was the only way that Rick would leave him alone for now. That much Negan was sure about. With a sigh the younger man left his apartment and shut the door behind him. Negan knew it was for the best that Rick just stayed away and didn’t bother pursuing any further. They couldn’t possibly work out and no amount of convincing from old dead men would help change that shit.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“I know you warned me but I was too damn stupid to listen. He rejected me and told me to get the fuck outta his apartment. “ Rick sighed into the phone. “Michonne, what the hell do I do now?”

 

On the other end of the phone Michonne was telling Andrea to make sure Andre wasn’t getting into trouble. She then returned to their conversation with an understanding tone in her voice.  “I’m sorry you had to go through that, Rick. I won’t say that I told you so ‘cause I’m not a dick. For now just stay away from him and maybe keep yourself busy?”

 

  
”With what? I ain’t workin’, Carl’s got his own life to deal with and everyone’s too busy. I can’t expect you to drop everythin’ to tend to me.”

 

  
”Nonsense. Come over tomorrow night and you can stay in the guest room if you’d like? We don’t mind your company, never have. And I know Andre would be excited to see his uncle Rick.”

 

 

_That sounds so normal._

 

 

Rick fiddled with his fingers and laughed into the phone. “I’d love to see him too. Well if y’all don’t mind me visiting then I’ll swing by tomorrow.”

 

 

“We can’t wait and if it means anything then it’s obvious that Negan’s scared. Don’t take it personally.”

 

 

Unfortunately that was all that Rick was doing at the moment. What if it was him and some cliche intimacy issues within Negan. They did have a tumultuous history and not many could get past that reality.

 

 

Maybe they were destined to be enemies, in life and death.  

 


End file.
